Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette is officially underway, and I am genuinely PUMPED. Alabama Hannah is one of my favorite Bachelorettes yet. Her awkwardness is hilarious, yet relatable. She literally says the phrase “Holy ham!” Who says that?! I just love her, and I’m sure that we’re in for a very entertaining season.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m actually excited about a Bach season (which, TBH, doesn’t happen every time), I try very hard to dodge spoilers. I truly want to get way too emotionally invested in this story, and I am not going to have some blog be like, “welp, this dude wins.” But, that doesn’t mean I won’t try to predict every single thing that’s going to happen. Here’s exactly how I think this season will play out.
Jean Paul Jones is the sloth girl.
You know how there’s always just one contestant that the producers throw in for comic relief? Last season had the Sloth Girl. Before that, there was the Shark/Dolphin Girl. Luckily, there weren’t any mascot costumes this episode, but I think that Jean Paul Jones is that person this season. I mean…his job title is literally Jean Paul Jones. How are we supposed to take him seriously?! I’ll be shocked if he lasts more than two or three episodes.
“I, John Paul Jones, didn’t come all the way out here, and give up a promotion at John Paul Jones just to be sent home” #theBachelorette pic.twitter.com/3uG5L1BR42
Mike is going to make us all cry…
…but like, in a nice way! Happy tears! Mike and Hannah are SO smiley and adorable together. Every conversation they have feels like something out of a Hallmark movie. Normally, this would annoy me, but it already feels genuine. I approve.
Garret is going to start some shit.
I just have a feeling that Garret is the drama queen of the group. He definitely complained the most about the fact that some of the guys didn’t get enough time with Hannah because of the whole Scott debacle, and he just gives off petty vibes. I don’t think it’ll be any of the serious drama that we saw in the teaser…but I bet it’ll be enough to annoy everyone and for Hannah to send him home early.
This will not be the last we’ll see of Jed’s guitar.
I mean, every party has one guy with an acoustic guitar singing “Wonderwall,” right? On night one, Jed became that guy. The worst part is…Hannah’s so into it!
Luke will do something sleazy.
Yeah, the teaser showed frontrunner Luke defending himself…but I have a feeling that situation won’t be as explosive as it looks. It almost seems like it was an acting challenge or something? Who knows with The Bachelorette. However, I do think that it’s a little sus that he seems to know exactly how to play this game. Maybe I’m just being cynical, but the second he heard that Hannah sent Scott home, he used it as an opportunity to slide on in and get another one-on-one. I’m keeping an eye on you, Luke.
We are going to hear SO many bad jokes.
Remember when Colton’s season was basically just one long, awkward joke about his virginity? It was THE WORST! To be fair, it makes sense that people would grab the lowest hanging fruit and make the most obvious joke just to have something to say to a person who is otherwise a complete stranger…but as a viewer, it gets old fast. Here are some lame jokes that I bet will be made all season:
Here’s to hoping season 15 meets the ridiculously high expectations I have. Side note: I really hope we somehow see justice for Matt McDonald. He seemed like the sweetest guy ever!
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