JAN MOIR: Move over Cinderella, here's Meghan's fairy tale

Move over Cinderella, here’s Meghan’s fairytale… After Duchess of Sussex’s toe-curling letter to US political leaders, JAN MOIR provides a royally entertaining re-write of what she may have REALLY meant

Dear Leader Charles Schumer and Speaker Nancy Pelosi — I’m not an elected official, not yet anyway. I’m not a politician either, but watch this space.

I am, like many, an engaged citizen and a plugged-in parent. I am also a Duchess, did I mention that? Check out the letterhead; Duke and D-U-C-H-E-S-S of Sussex. Duchess. Rhymes with success. Don’t ever forget that.

I’m writing to you at this deeply important time — as a mom and an everyday global icon — to advocate for paid leave for parents. No family should have to choose between earning a living and having the freedom to take care of their child.

That is why everyone should try to marry into a Royal Family if possible, complete with a father-in-law who can be tapped for millions, in addition to the magnificent sums he has already bequeathed upon his son. Prince Charles can rest assured that Harry and I are putting the monies to good use.

Together we have rescued chickens and given fresh purpose to private jet pilots hanging around LAX with nothing to do. It means so much to the little people that we don’t have to fly commercial.

Move over Cinderella, here’s Meghan’s fairy tale… As Duchess of Sussex pens letter to US leaders, a royally entertaining re-write

Meghan Markle writes letter to Democrats Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer saying paid leave for parents should be a ‘national right’ and urges them to ‘put families above politics’

And I am personally keeping the Cashmere Weavers of Montecito in business. Throw another goat on the loom, dudes! I need another five-ply poncho to visit and inspire marginalised children in an inner-city ghetto with my saviour complex and luxury woollens.

Let’s speak more of my truth. I started working (at the local frozen yoghurt shop) at the age of 13. It was there that I first discovered my deep love of culture. In addition, all those fro-yo flavours taught me about the beauty of diversity and how each flavour is unique and wonderful in its own way, just like human beings.

There’s Ginger Totally Nuts, the Flaky Waity Katy, the Royal Sour Lemons Bombe and my favourite, Just Say It Belongs To The Stylist. The more flavours on offer in a yoghurt bar the stronger that bar is — like society, right?

Dining out? Thought you’d never ask. I grew up living on the $4.99 salad bar at Sizzler, a popular restaurant chain in California. Times were tough. Once they ran out of the broccoli and tomato mix with soy-lime dressing, and I cried for days.

That was back when I lived in Les Miserables, in the leaky wooden shack on the wrong side of the tracks that my father laughingly called a ‘home’. I used to sleep in flour sacks and I cleaned my dresses — some might call them ‘rags’ — on a washboard in the coldwater kitchen.

It is no secret that I was born in the wagon of a travelling show, Mama used to dance for the money they’d throw, Papa would do whatever he could . . . no sorry, that’s Cher. I’m getting mixed up. I remember there was a church house, gin house. A school house, outhouse. On Highway Number Nineteen, where the people keep the city clean — no, wait! (Harry, have you been in my Cinderella File again? Idiot.)

All you have to know is that there’s a world outside your window and it’s a world of dread and fear, where the only water flowing is the . . . no hang on, where am I? I waited tables, babysat, and piecemealed jobs together to cover odds and ends. I worked all my life to make ends meet and to put gas in my car.

What has all this got to do with paid parental leave? Absolutely nothing, but I’m not missing this opportunity to lend support to a popular cause while burnishing my victim credentials on an international stage.

To depict myself as a plucky ragamuffin, an Orphan Annie who fought her way up from the crumbs on the breadline to the cherry on the cake. Even though I went to private school and my father was an award-winning Hollywood lighting designer who provided for me generously.

But let’s move on.

Many of our economic systems are past their expiration date, but luckily not hereditary privilege nor inherited titles. Being a Duchess and having this access to you comes courtesy of an ancient European monarchy which I purport to despise, but continue to use to my advantage; to live off and exploit in the most ethical way possible. Like I said, I used to dine at an all-you-can-eat salad bar, so that makes it OK, right?

Even those of us who live in mansions crammed with staff, gourmet kitchens and multiple nannies, can feel overwhelmed at the birth of a child and expansion of a family. That is why I am begging you to consider the paternity leave deals on offer in the land of Narnia, where birth-givers and their partners are given five years off on full pay until their children start school or marry a prince.

Listen. This isn’t about Right or Left, it’s about right or wrong. It’s about putting families above politics, although I obviously don’t mean my own blood family, who don’t understand compassion in action like me.

So, on behalf of Archie and Lili and Harry, I thank you for considering this letter and daring to dream a dream in time gone by, when hope was high and life worth living.

Vote for me. Thank you.

Addiction is not a disease — it is a choice

They mean well, of course they do, but sometimes we all need a break from do-gooding duchesses, don’t we? In the wake of woke Meghan advocating for paid parental leave in America, Kate has been weighing in about the perils of addiction here.

‘No one chooses to become an addict,’ said the Duchess of Cambridge this week — but is that entirely true? She added: ‘I fully support and understand . . . this serious mental health issue . . . many people recover from addiction and go on to prosper . . . we have to have an understanding, a listening connection so that together we can build a happier, healthier, more nurturing society.’

It is true, of course, that addicts need support. But many psychologists would argue that being treated as helpless victims in the grip of some greater existential force over which they have no agency actually damages the mental health of addicts instead of improving it. Addiction is a condition, not a disease. Describing it as the latter, along with the usual hand-wringing and mental health blather, removes any sense of responsibility or ownership. People choose to drink alcohol or take drugs — an element of choice that is not afforded to those with recognised diseases such as MS or cancer. It is an active decision made each day. Pretending otherwise, by a duchess or not, is to take away the power of the addict to choose a different path. It is they, and no one else, who are the architects of their own despair.

Liz gives up the high life, briefly…

Liz Hurley reveals her model son Damian wrote a screenplay in lockdown and that ‘we have high hopes it may be made into a movie next year’

In this week’s ‘Isn’t That Marvellous Darling?’ corner, Liz Hurley reveals her model son Damian wrote a screenplay in lockdown and that ‘we have high hopes it may be made into a movie next year’.

Mommy Dearest? The Return Of The Mummy? My money is on Mummy And Me And Hugh Makes Three.

Anyway, isn’t it just terrific Damian has stumbled upon his supertalent so quickly, especially after being cut out of his multi-millionaire father’s will? That kind of thing could crush any young man’s spirit, so it is inspiring he has turned to the coal face of Hollywood instead.

Liz also revealed she has become a shy homebird who has been to enough parties to ‘last a lifetime’. ‘Frankly, I could stay home and deadhead my roses for ever,’ she said, wriggling into a bikini for another near-nekkid Instagram shoot in her garden.

What a gel!

Spare torte for Freya

After all that faff, vegan baker Freya Cox left The Great British Bake Off (C4) tent in tears this week

After all that faff, vegan baker Freya Cox left The Great British Bake Off (C4) tent in tears this week. That’s what you get for trying to bake chickpea water meringues and cakes without butter!

The 19-year-old came a cropper in German week, where contestants had to make traditional biscuits, bake something dreadful called a Prinzeregententorte and create a showstopper using yeast.

It was all a bake too far for Freya — who hopes her vegan delights have ‘made an impact.’ They certainly did! You could surely Insulate Britain with some of them. However, I have nothing but admiration for the plucky teen from Scarborough.

Vegan baking is not for the faint-hearted and pitting her against bakers who could use dairy and other delights was like sending a kiddy on a trike to fight a Panzer division. Or is that in bad taste?

Host Matt Lucas got into terrible trouble with sensitive and easily-offended viewers for speaking in a cod German accent during the programme.

Permission to speak, sir? What a lot of schichttorte.

Will Tilly tick off Dad? Fat chance

Tilly Ramsay is a delight and doing terribly well on Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1). However she was upset this week when a radio host made comments about her weight

Tilly Ramsay is a delight and doing terribly well on Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1). However she was upset this week when a radio host made comments about her weight.

LBC’s Steve Allen, 67, said: ‘She’s a chubby little thing, isn’t she? Have you noticed? Probably her dad’s [Gordon Ramsay] cooking, I should imagine.’

Tilly, 19, replied to the comments on her Instagram, saying she ‘won’t tolerate people that think it’s okay to publicly comment and scrutinise anyone’s weight and appearance’.

Some of her father’s friends were quick to offer support. First Dates’s Fred Sirieix, who stars in a television series with Gordon, said: ‘What an idiot he is Tilly! His type will always be around.’

Well, yes they will. And you don’t have to look far from Ramsay HQ to find them. Her foul-mouthed father is a terrible fat-shamer.

Over the years, Gordon Ramsay has called an Australian TV host ‘a fat pig’; told Hell’s Kitchen contestant Sara Horowitz she was ‘a fat cow’ and informed another contestant ‘you are one chunky monkey, aren’t you?’

He also once called Jamie Oliver a ‘fatso’ and accused his fellow TV chef of fixing the UK obesity crisis ‘by eating everything himself’. What a brute!

‘Please remember that words can hurt,’ says Tilly. They sure can.

So maybe she can have a word with Dad, too. He is the elephant in this room, and I don’t meant that in a fattist way.

Clueless over terror

Terror suspect Ali Harbi Ali, charged with the murder of MP Sir David Amess, was known to counter-terrorist police and the deradicalisation organisation Prevent.

Meanwhile, Ismail Abedi, brother of the Manchester Arena suicide bomber, has fled the country before the hearing into the murder of 22 people and the grievous injury to hundreds more is opened.

Ever get the feeling this country is not getting to grips with the Islamist terror threat?

Gwyneth Paltrow reveals she is still in the honeymoon phase with second husband Brad Falchuk.

To keep the magic alive, she makes him a special ‘boyfriend breakfast’ every Saturday, which she says ranges ‘from a savoury crêpe to a crab omelette’.

You see. One way or another, it all comes down to eggs in the end.

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