I went on Tinder for attention & had virtual sex – will it reboot my marriage?

DEAR DEIDRE: IN my husband’s wedding vows, he said he loved me for my humour, so why does it drive him mad now?

Every joke, pun or prank is met with a tut, an eye roll and “cut it out”. It’s like he can’t stand to be around me. No wonder I have gone looking elsewhere for attention.


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We met at university and have been married for 17 years. He is 40, I am 37 and we have two kids, aged five and nine.

I thought lockdown would be a great chance for us to spend some much-needed quality time together but he clearly didn’t feel the same.

He would run off to bed at 9pm to escape me — so I downloaded Tinder to keep me entertained.

I had no intention of meeting my matches — it was harmless flirting. But I enjoyed talking to these strangers and would constantly check my phone for messages.

One guy, Mike, seemed to think I was hilarious. He didn’t have bad chat either.

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One night he asked if we could video call. We spent two hours on FaceTime, discussing everything from work, to family, to our hopes for the future.

We ended up calling twice more that week, and the following Friday, we had a few virtual drinks together, like a first date.

After a couple of gin and tonics, he asked me to show him what I looked like naked.

He asked me to touch myself while he watched, and I urged him to do the same.

We ended up having virtual sex. I’d never tried it before, but I loved being told how to pleasure myself.

We have done it a few times since. But while I enjoy Mike’s company, I know this won’t ever be anything more than friends with benefits.

I’m bound to get caught at some point, so I’m considering telling my husband — to spur him to work on our marriage. Am I naive in thinking this will play out in my favour?

DEIDRE SAYS:  It doesn’t sound like you want to lose your marriage.

While cheating isn’t right, your husband makes you feel shut out, so you’ve turned to other men to fulfill what’s lacking in your marriage.

But be prepared – you can’t guarantee your husband will be so understanding.

I’m sending you my support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It?

Your main issue seems to be comm­unication – your husband is shutting you down, and you are assuming what the problem is.

Talk to a counsellor. Tavistock Rela­tionships (tavistockrelationships.org, 0207 380 1960) can help you find one locally.

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